Imprints and Impressions

"All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind"

.....and in the end, I realize that music is my only companion, my soul mate. No one ever understood me better. Music sings for me a lullaby when I am tired, feeds me with emotions when my mind is empty and hungry, puts me at ease when I become tense, liberates me from daily trivial affairs and makes me feel at the top of the world and gifts me with a beautiful belief that I am much above and beyond any one's reach.

I do not need anyone or anything, with the everlasting melody which wraps me in its melodious embrace. I feel that what I do day in and day out- sit in the office, talk to people, expect love...are superfluous and irrelevant. I feel precious-more precious than anything in the world- and loved more than ever.

All the bad things I believed I had in me now seem to have never existed. My ugliness has vanished- in fact, I am the most beautiful being the almighty ever created. I am His dream come true. I don't dread anything or anyone anymore. I am freed of any remote feelings of guilt about anything...I am transformed...transported...

The sun rises only to wake me up, the birds sing only to cheer me, and the moon shines just so that I may receive the ethereal light as balm for my soul. The world is all mine. I have attained a part of me which I thought was lost forever. I am now complete. Suddenly, loneliness is only an illusion. I am able to think in melodies, not emotions. The translation is wonderful, divine. I don't need any other language to live.

I too can now boast that I have been (and am being) loved and wanted, needed. I am not anymore just a chocolate wrapper. I am no longer greedy for love, for love has found its way to me, and gained new meaning in my company. My soul now has a voice- a mellifluous, resonant and confident voice. Tears now flow along with the melody, this is the result of of rapture. Am I filled with a thousand senses or have I just lost all senses?

THE END.

I have come here at the seventh floor of my office for a break. This is where the cafeteria is located...and much more. I stand at the balcony, sipping a glass of fresh juice. The night has fallen, giving a colourful glimpse of the entire city. To my right, the Husain Sagar lake offers a splendid view, with tourists still enjoying boating to behold the Buddha statue in the centre of the lake, now lighted golden so that it can be seen even from afar, as I do now.

There are hundreds and hundreds of buildings, shops and residential apartments before me- some near, some farther, some almost out of sight- brightly lit in different colours. I watch down at the pani puri stalls nearby. A pretty mixed crowd over there- office goers who have come out for a stretch, tired vegetable vendors quenching thirst and hunger, a couple of kids accompanied by their parents and who were attracted by the stalls, random pedestrians...

My focus now shifts to the apartments. Some have lights in rooms, some are dark- probably the inmates have decided to retire to bed early. A few homes are grandly lit, indicating celebration. I can catch a closer glimpse of a house in nearer view. A woman is busy making rotis for supper and cooking some delicious curry, the fumes of which waft from her kitchen window.

The kind of view I behold from this balcony always makes my thoughts wander and slip away...It would be interesting if I knew everything about every family member in every apartment like an all knowing being. Then I could think, "Oh..Preeti seems to be up late studying for her exam" or "It is little Sonu's first birthday, no wonder the crowd and the illumination in their house or "Mrs. Rao is baking one of her husband's favourite cakes!" and so on...

I also wonder what emotion is going through each individual in all these apartments. I wish I could get a glimpse of everyone's life as if through a kaleidoscope. It will probably run like this: an exam preparation in one house, blowing candles in another, a son visiting his parents in yet another, a sick person being tended to, a newly wed missing her parents, siblings quarrelling, someone living in debt, another enjoying a hot soup after a tired working day, one packing bags to go abroad to study....The variety of emotions and situations don't seem to run out. And yet, each family leads their own piece of life in a tiny cubicle called house, not seeming to bother to know about the bigger picture- the entire spectrum of emotions being expressed out to the world at one single moment.

I suddenly have an odd feeling that someone is  watching me from above the same way I am watching the city below. Oh, I know! It is Him, the almighty. Well, what would it be like to be God, watching the whole wide world below him (including me, who is looking down and thinking about just a fragment of the city!) and to actually know every species on earth, the kind of life they lead, the emotions they undergo and the experiences they earn in various phases of life..

Would I, in His place be thinking about more serious matters about the earth than casually glancing below? Like what to reward whom, how should I help this person out of his terrible problem, how should I award this sinner a punishment that befits his deeds, what blessings should I bestow upon this newborn...or more terrible decisions like: Let the next moment see a massive earthquake in the northern hemisphere, let an epidemic break out in xyz country, let me choose this happy family be blown up the next instant by the terrorists...

Being God is probably difficult. We sometimes blame Him for not answering our prayers or empathizing with our miserable lives. But He is probably grown numb to feelings, since He is just one being watching upon the billions of us. And is He just worried about tender feelings? No way. There are deaths, diseases, bad luck and punishments to mind. So is He cold and unaffected? I don't know...

All I know is I am much better off being a mortal and one among the zillion, minding my own business rather than that of the entire universe. I have finished drinking my juice and descending the steps now.

Many times along my road called life
I have rejoiced at my luck
and tasted good flavours of what I would call 'chance',
and never bothered to spare a thought on something
that might have brought me that 'chance on a platter'.

Now, I stop to look back and wonder
whether I have failed to thank someone or something?
Should I subdue my guilt by calling it all 'destiny' and 
stop worrying about not having thanked....(but who? or what?)

But what if...with every glorious moment of my life
someone in this world was deprived of something
that rightfully belonged to them? 
Or was it 'something' all the time, and not 'someone' afterall?

I do not know and cannot know, but I do want to thank...
YOU. Yes, I will end the dilemma by calling the 'someone' or 'something' 'you'
althought it might have been a different 'you' every time.

However my dear 'you', I have pinned you down to a name
so that I may thank you, who(what)ever 'you' were..
for all the wonderful moments of joy you gifted to me.
Oh wait..why don't you stop to hear me?

You have served me well so far, and unconditionally..
like a candle which burns itself to give light to a million,
like the sky which cries to bring the joy of rain to earth,
like a whiff of cool breeze on a summer day, which doesn't linger for gratitude...

..you have sacrificed and still do so by preferring to be elusive,
anonymous and not expecting gratitude.
I want to step back to every moment of joy and success
and thank the 'you' of every different gifted moment one by one
Oh how I wish!

At this moment, all I want is to taste the ultimate freedom. I wish to be freed of expectations,routines,goals,obligations,anything,everything.... I wish to lose my senses, to lose my way and never know it... Maybe, I already have, and never know it, who knows!

I wish... to care least about smiling back at those who might smile at me, to not turn back at the call of my name,to run wild with my eyes closed, and not bother the staring eyes or bumping into random strangers...to throw pebbles into the placid lake and watch the ripples form and fade, like sudden flashes of memory...

I wish... to let the strong burst of wind beat my face, blur my vision and ruffle my hair, without a care...I wish to love without fear, and to fear nothing but fear...I wish to pull out the painful mask of pretence, and begin to speak in a new accent, and sometimes, to stop speaking...I wish to feel the strong rain drops fall assertively on my open palms, and let them fall down weak, fluid, weary, like tears...

I wish... to look into the mirror, and not recognise what I see...to shatter the mirror and see the reflection unbroken...to open the door to my mind and let the world see within, and face it...to find a strange tree with a strange fruit, and bite into the fruit, without knowing its name, and having never seen it before...

I wish to walk all alone in an unknown street, aiming the horizon afar, chasing the desertedness, and following my own footsteps...I wish to be freed of hope, to stop hoping and KNOW for sure; or not know at all and still be free...to do all I like and be freed of guilt; to say what I like and never regret it... to never hold on to something, or hold back from anything...

I wish to hear the unheard, see the unseen and feel the unfelt- without fearing to know the truth...to fall in love with a pianist's hands and never see them again...to never run away from a swarm of bees or run after words of praise...to never crave for a shoulder to lean on...

I wish to be infused with sparks of enlightenment- to stand bold on a mountain peak and see the outspread wings of flying birds far below...to see the sunshine at the tip of a dew drop ready to fall...to see groups of pigeons fly in the backdrop of a stone monument as if on impulse...to behold the crescent moon adorn a starless sky...

I wish to smile and enjoy the feeling of small fish pecking at the feet dipped in the cold, pale green river...to wade bent, through a low grape vine and taste the lowest grape in a bunch straight from the vine...to get into a pond which rocks the full moon to sleep, and pluck a blue lotus...

I wish to fly at a great speed in my dreams, not knowing what makes me fly...and then turn back and find my own dreams chase me.